Dear Penny: Is It Weird That My Mom Still Spies on My Bank Account?

Dear B.,

Your mother seems to have created a narrative that you’re not capable of taking care of yourself. And it’s a false narrative. You’re a rational, responsible adult.

I wish I could tell you to close this bank account and open a new one without your mother’s name attached. This should be a non-event for a 29-year-old. But I’m guessing this would be a very big deal in your household.

Have A Money Question?

Senior editor Robin Hartill is a certified
financial planner and the voice of Dear Penny.

Write Dear Penny

Have a tough money question?
Dear Penny wants to help! Write Dear Penny
for Practical money advice.

Dear Penny Circle Form

Name
*

Email
*

Message
*

If you are human, leave this field blank.

SUBMIT

To answer your first question, no, you’re not obligated to make your parents the beneficiary of your bank accounts. You can make anyone — another family member, a friend, a significant other, a charity — your beneficiary. All you have to do is fill out something called a transfer upon death form with your bank.

However, it sounds like you have a joint bank account with your mother. With a joint account, anyone listed as a co-owner can withdraw the balance at any time. That’s a real concern, given the amount of control your mother exerts over you.

Which brings me to your broader question: What should you do?

You’re in a bad relationship, only it’s with your parents, not a partner. You handle this by doing what may be the scariest, hardest thing you’ve ever had to do: You start making your exit plan.

You say your main reason for living with your parents is that driving is difficult. That’s a challenge, but it isn’t an insurmountable one. Plenty of people don’t drive, yet still live independently. Given the explosion in remote jobs, you have more options than ever for supporting yourself without regular transportation.

Obviously, you’ll need to save money to move out on your own. That’s going to be a real challenge, given your mother’s propensity for spying.

If you feel safe doing so, you could be honest and tell your parents, “I’m almost 30, so it’s time for me to start saving for my own place.”

But if you’re financially dependent on your parents, tread cautiously. If you think your mother would make life harder for you, I think it would be best to keep your joint bank account open and try to save money in a different account.

Try to think of some ways that you could save money without your parents’ knowledge. Could you get cash back when you make purchases using your debit card? Or make relatively minor purchases, then return them and ask for the refund in cash? Or could you open an online bank account and divert a small portion of your paycheck there? Perhaps you could tell your mother that you’re saving money in a retirement account.

If you have someone you trust, like a close friend or family member, let them know what’s happening. Maybe they could let you stay with them while you’re establishing yourself or support you in some other way. At the very least, they can provide you with a much-needed listening ear.

It sounds like you’ve been told for a long time that you’re not a competent adult. Now it’s up to you to change this narrative. If you don’t start asserting your independence, nothing in this situation will change.

Robin Hartill is a certified financial planner and a senior writer at The Penny Hoarder. Send your tricky money questions to AskPenny@thepennyhoarder.com.

This was originally published on The Penny Hoarder, which helps millions of readers worldwide earn and save money by sharing unique job opportunities, personal stories, freebies and more. The Inc. 5000 ranked The Penny Hoarder as the fastest-growing private media company in the U.S. in 2017.